Wow...

I talked to a sweet, sweet friend of mine this morning and I found out in one conversation that she was pregnant (woohoo!) and has miscarried last Thursday (gasp). She and her husband are such sweet, loving people, a beautiful couple with two beautiful girls. Although they weren't trying to get pregnant quite so soon (their second daughter just turned two last May), they had accepted the news with excitement and had already grown attached to the baby. She calls it "their little Katrina" because it blew in and blew out so quickly, leaving so much destruction. There really is no way to describe the kind of feeling that comes with hearing that kind of news, I can barely imagine how she and her husband are taking it. And it is so hard to see from the outside how they are both grieving; I've found that it is harder for me to accept God's will in tragic situations that happen to people like them. In my own life, that's a different story; it's almost like I cope better firsthand. But the Harrisons are such loving people...they have been with Walden and me from the beginning of our relationship, when we began as friends, then began a courtship, throughout the mistakes we made, the ups and downs...and Sandra has really been one to weather the storms with me, spiritually guide me both as a mother and a wife. It is so...disturbing I guess is the best word...to watch them of all people face this kind of situation. My heart just hurts for them.

One thing I did want to share was the metaphor Sandra used to explain to her seven-year-old what had happened to her new sibling. The Lord says that He knits us together in our mother's womb. Well, little Lydia has been learning how to knit, and Sandra asked her what happens when she makes a mistake while knitting the chain, and Lydia said, "I undo it." And Sandra just continued to explain that the Lord was knitting together this little baby and somehow, something went wrong. So instead of continuing to knit together a child who has a chink somewhere in the chain, He just chose to undo it right now, and will start over later. That simple little metaphor really helped Sandra come to terms with the miscarriage, as well as helping my little mind accept that these things do happen to beautiful people.

In the very least, I'm anticipating what kind of good work the Lord is going to do through this situation. Sandra is an InterVarsity staff member at Maryville College and leads a women's Bible study at our church, so she is in position to use this as a ministry. I just get excited, not at the tragedy, but at the hand that guided this miscarriage and will usher us all -- not just the Harrisons, but everyone touched by them -- into a lesson of His character.

I have felt so thankful for Max and his health and intelligence, and how God chose to bless us with his birth and life. When I first found out I was pregnant with Max, I had a dream that I had miscarried. Not that I wanted to, but since we had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, a miscarriage would almost be like a solution -- we wouldn't be having an abortion, which we were completely against from the start, and we would have spared our parents, our friends, and the students we were leaders to the pain, doubt, and disappointment of finding out we screwed up big time. I know that makes me sound like a monster, but you'd be surprised what kind of things your subconcious comes up with when ridden with guilt.

Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I hate it. I hate it a thousand times. They do not deserve this. And I guess I'm just using this as an outlet to let out my frustration and sadness before seeing Sandra this week. I don't want to burden her with my emotions while she is so bogged down with her family's coping. Bless them, Lord. Ugh, I am so sick about this. Please, please pray for them.