Just some stuff.
I just finished reading Lauren Weisberger's The Devil Wears Prada and once again, I've been bitten by the writing bug. I swear, it seems every time I read a mediocre novel (I said it...mediocre), I get the attitude of, "I could have written that so much better...if I had only come up with the plot." So I guess my one-uppance is hopelessly paralleled with the fact that my writing capabilities are not by any means coupled with the gift of coming up with plots. So there you have it. I'll just blog.
I just got an email from Karen Corwin-soon-to-be-Isbell, and I don't actually know if she reads my blog. But I do read hers, and I loved hearing about how she and Bryan were led to the perfect house. It made me think of Walden and my own search for home-ownership. We renewed our apartment lease for just six months, since March (the end of our one-year lease) is sneaking up on us and we have next to nothing saved compared to what it would take to put a down payment on a house. So next time around, September will not take us by surprise. We are aggressively saving for a house. So far, our resolution has been whittled down to saving $300 this past month. What?! At this rate, we should be able to find a nice house in, oh, I don't know, twenty years. How about that!! Maybe we can buy our first house, then retire within the same decade!! Okay, I'm being facetious (I had to look that word up for the correct spelling). But seriously. This line of thought is going somewhere, I promise, not just down Bite-Me Lane.
Am I a believer in the One True Lord and His blameless Son Jesus Christ Who died on the cross for our sins and rose again on the third day to forever conquer the throes of death and usher all those who call unto Him into everlasting life in the Kingdom of Heaven?
Yes.
But, man, have I been wayyyy off-track the last couple years. I guess sleeping with your boyfriend and consequently getting knocked up can do that for a girl. But with all inappropriate kidding and snide remarks aside, what have I been doing all this time? Where have I put the Lord in all this time? Did I happen to box Him up too, along with the rest of my pre-pregnancy, pre-marriage life, and store Him someplace safe and forgettable?
I came across some old journals this past weekend back home in Montgomery. I went to visit my parents while Walden went to Mississippi for a business trip, and it was like reading about a complete stranger's life. What happened to that girl? Everything about her seemed foreign to me. I visited with my old covenant group leader, who has been a pretty consistent part of my life since I graduated high school. Our conversation was light, airy, full of fluff. How did I forget how to talk to Susan Fisher, of all people? I even went to Frazer, which was, in a word, creepy. There's just something about going somewhere so familiar, just to find not a single familiar face, not even a single familiar room, much less an inkling that this was the same place was where I grew up, literally. I guess this past weekend, with longtime friends, old places, and old memories, was the stirring, if you will.
Reading other people's blogs about leaning on the Lord to find a house, a car, a job now seems incoherent to me. I never even thought twice about committing our finances and dream of finding a house to God, the One who cares infinitely and achingly about each glaringly insignificant detail of my life.
It is a smack in the face.
It's the realization that I am not the mother, the wife, the woman God has been desperately wanting me to be, desperately wanting to divine me to be. Not even remotely close. Not even recognizably close. Not even a fraction of a nanogram kinda close. Get it? Every area in my life calls, by design, for His control, for His perfect Hand to be on. And yet. hereiam.
Where did that girl go? When did she go into hiding? Why do I now feel uncomfortable when people ask me about church, or if I'd like to help lead worship, or join a Bible study, or pray for them? Why don't I feel the prick of offense when I watch television and there is a profound misconception of God and His character? Have I really become that kind of woman?
Will this be another one of those times, the demands of the day, of a toddler, covering all tugs of the Holy Spirit, and my subconcious willing to just let it go? Will I let this day slip by?
I just got an email from Karen Corwin-soon-to-be-Isbell, and I don't actually know if she reads my blog. But I do read hers, and I loved hearing about how she and Bryan were led to the perfect house. It made me think of Walden and my own search for home-ownership. We renewed our apartment lease for just six months, since March (the end of our one-year lease) is sneaking up on us and we have next to nothing saved compared to what it would take to put a down payment on a house. So next time around, September will not take us by surprise. We are aggressively saving for a house. So far, our resolution has been whittled down to saving $300 this past month. What?! At this rate, we should be able to find a nice house in, oh, I don't know, twenty years. How about that!! Maybe we can buy our first house, then retire within the same decade!! Okay, I'm being facetious (I had to look that word up for the correct spelling). But seriously. This line of thought is going somewhere, I promise, not just down Bite-Me Lane.
Am I a believer in the One True Lord and His blameless Son Jesus Christ Who died on the cross for our sins and rose again on the third day to forever conquer the throes of death and usher all those who call unto Him into everlasting life in the Kingdom of Heaven?
Yes.
But, man, have I been wayyyy off-track the last couple years. I guess sleeping with your boyfriend and consequently getting knocked up can do that for a girl. But with all inappropriate kidding and snide remarks aside, what have I been doing all this time? Where have I put the Lord in all this time? Did I happen to box Him up too, along with the rest of my pre-pregnancy, pre-marriage life, and store Him someplace safe and forgettable?
I came across some old journals this past weekend back home in Montgomery. I went to visit my parents while Walden went to Mississippi for a business trip, and it was like reading about a complete stranger's life. What happened to that girl? Everything about her seemed foreign to me. I visited with my old covenant group leader, who has been a pretty consistent part of my life since I graduated high school. Our conversation was light, airy, full of fluff. How did I forget how to talk to Susan Fisher, of all people? I even went to Frazer, which was, in a word, creepy. There's just something about going somewhere so familiar, just to find not a single familiar face, not even a single familiar room, much less an inkling that this was the same place was where I grew up, literally. I guess this past weekend, with longtime friends, old places, and old memories, was the stirring, if you will.
Reading other people's blogs about leaning on the Lord to find a house, a car, a job now seems incoherent to me. I never even thought twice about committing our finances and dream of finding a house to God, the One who cares infinitely and achingly about each glaringly insignificant detail of my life.
It is a smack in the face.
It's the realization that I am not the mother, the wife, the woman God has been desperately wanting me to be, desperately wanting to divine me to be. Not even remotely close. Not even recognizably close. Not even a fraction of a nanogram kinda close. Get it? Every area in my life calls, by design, for His control, for His perfect Hand to be on. And yet. hereiam.
Where did that girl go? When did she go into hiding? Why do I now feel uncomfortable when people ask me about church, or if I'd like to help lead worship, or join a Bible study, or pray for them? Why don't I feel the prick of offense when I watch television and there is a profound misconception of God and His character? Have I really become that kind of woman?
Will this be another one of those times, the demands of the day, of a toddler, covering all tugs of the Holy Spirit, and my subconcious willing to just let it go? Will I let this day slip by?
posted by Jessie | 1:14 PM
1 Comments:
jess- you have nothing to worry about because the Lord is committed to doing His thing in your life! You obviously have a heart open to what He wants- and you have no reason to not lead a Bible study or whatever because in Christ you are just as righteous and holy as ever! He's faithful when we're faithless and he loves with an everlasting indiscriminate pure love! I think you're at a good place- the balance between seeing that you're NEEDING Him and walking in Faith that the Gospel is a reality in your life :)
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