Praise Him in this storm...

Monday was tough. My family all went home, my husband was at work all day, and left to my own devices, I grieved the loss like I didn't know I could. It was strange, in the quiet, lonely time I had Monday, the heaviness I felt over JC's death. I wasn't his best friend, and I haven't seen him since probably graduation last year. But now that he's gone, there's a perpetual emptiness, like I will never see him, not at homecomings, at graduations, at alumni gatherings, at chance meetings.

So Tuesday, forced back into my routine, my grief was like a ghost...haunting me and popping up in the most random places...in a picture, a commercial, a song...then Casting Crowns came on the radio, this particular song:

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

And stepped in and saved the day

Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

As the thunder rollsI barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

As Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

I lift my eyes into the hills

Where does my help come from

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of heaven and earth

It's almost a guilty feeling I have when I suddenly feel at loss, my heart literally squeezing with hurt. Silly, I know...but...every tear I've cried...He holds in His hand...

Oh, JC, I love you and I wish I had the chance to tell you that again. See you soon...

A Tribute...

JC died last Friday afternoon on his way home to Murfreesboro for the Easter weekend in a car crash. He was a member of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship when I was a member/worship leader back in my ol' MC days. (Sooo...long ago...) I heard yesterday evening during Easter dinner with my old roommate and her family.

I don't know what else to do. So...a tribute to Joseph Christian Hoehne.

JC wasn't everyone's favorite person. Most people, if he were alive, would probably even dare to call him annoying. That's just truth. He was a quirky fellow, and I'm not going to coat the past by saying I was super cool to him. There were days when, if I didn't have a lot of time between classes, I would turn hurriedly or duck into the closest building if I saw him rollerblading my way.

He was in my small group when I was a junior, and he was a freshman. My senior year, because I was a married mom, I didn't get out to IV too often. So my last consistent interaction with JC was during that junior year, during mine and Walden's engagement.

Now that he is gone, he is desperately missed, and not just because he died so young. He was the type of person who touches your heart and your life in a quiet, unexpected way. He was passionate about God and God's furious forgiveness. I think that was the part of God that JC clung desperately to and understood so intimately, because it was the message of hope for the unbelieving. God the Forgiver was enticing to those who have not yet gotten comfortable with God, Lord, Savior. And that was the heart of JC's evangelical spirit. He was truly gifted with evangelism, with a rare burden for those who had not yet encountered his Jesus.
I can't wrap my mind around the idea that he spent Easter Sunday with Jesus the Risen. JC, transformed into his glorious self, completely renewed, ready for eternity. All evidence of the crash he was in, steel and glass breaking his body and robbing his life, all scars, all faults, all holes, all shortcomings, misgivings, imperfections, annoying habits...melted away. JC, eternal, glorious, completely worthy of his place in Heaven, robed in the righteousness and glow of being forever in the presence of the Lord.

For JC, no more times of doubt, no more questions, no more wondering if the Lord is up to something. For JC, no more shame over his sins, no more grieving the Spirit, no more pain and anguish over life's burdens. For JC, eternity, stuck in perpetual praise-mode.
During my brief time as a worship leader (or, lead worshiper), I had the unique gift and purpose to usher InterVarsity goers into the Lord's presence, into a state of learning and awareness of God's voice. I had the privilege of being God's tool to open their hearts, minds, and ears to God, into a place of worship that did not end with the last song, but that lingered as we dug into His Word, peeling back layers of His Heart, discovering His plan, looking in as God revealed more of Himself. That was my gift from God to me, as was my gift of music to others. I can't even fathom that...wow...JC is now in that place as a state of being. That place that makes your head swim, your ears thunder, your heart grow, your soul expand, your hands rise, your knees fall, your gut churn, your mouth dry, your blood rush...before the great and mighty and powerful and tender God of the Universe...JC is there. And that place has no end for him.

For JC, so undoubtedly there, so unquestionably and irrevocably there. He is there now. And with heavy, heavy hearts, we can still hope and rejoice in his Life, the Life we all are intended for. Oh, the weight of glory, pulling at our hearts, tying us to this earthly realm, but filling us with the innate knowledge, the hidden sense, the undercover notion that we were created for immortality...

In his life and through his death JC was an arrow to the Lord. May his memory challenge us all to grasp onto this life with the hope and belief in the next...

This Easter Season

Easter is called the cornerstone of Christianity. So as a Christian, I just wanted to ramble on during this important holiday. I just can't wrap my simple mind around the historical events that happened then. This guy Jesus goes around teaching and preaching things so different but so similar to what has always been taught. He goes around healing people, teaching tolerance and acceptance of ragamuffins, shattering boundaries, blowing minds, challenging prejudices...

I've been studying the timeline of Easter, from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday. This is what I've found just reading the four gospels.

Palm Sunday, Jesus enters Jerusalem on the foal of an ass. They call this the triumphant entry. All the Jews have made the pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Passover feast that will happen later in the week (Thursday). He enters the temple while people proclaim the truth of His identity, "Hosanna in the highest!" "Son of David!" These people are excited, thrilled that Jesus is in their presence. And as He enters, He specifically comes in on a donkey. This shows humility, and the palm branches are the symbol of peace. When a King enters on a donkey with palm branches, it is a peace offering. So Jesus enters the temple proclaiming humility, peace.

The entire week He spends teaching in the temple. This is when He drives out the moneychangers, vendors, and others set up in the temple to make money. He spends His last week teaching parables about the lost son, the lost coin, all these parables pointing to the lostness of man and the eagerness God has to seek. I can just imagine the urgency of Jesus' words, the practical pleading He has for these lost souls to turn to Him. He only has a few days left in the flesh to plead with these people, to lead them, to teach them. It's inspiring, really, if you think about it.

Thursday, at the Passover feast, Jesus has His last supper with the disciples, where He washes their feet and speaks with them intimately, as friends. He reaches to them as a friend and not as their teacher or master. He is desperate. These twelve men are the hope of His truth, the hope of God's desperate rescue mission to save mankind.

After they feast, they go to Mount Olives, where the Garden of Gethsemane is. In the early hours of the day, Friday, before the sun has even risen, soldiers come with clubs and swords to seize Jesus, the same man who has been in the temple day after day, teaching among the people. They come while Jesus is on His knees, praying in earnesty, in His most vulnerable hour, literally sweating tears of blood.

The same people who less than a week before praised and exalted Jesus demand that Pilate crucify this traitor, this liar. Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Crucify Him!

By noon, Jesus is on the cross, and the world dark. God's own Son, hanging by his wrists on display, bleeding, humiliated, beaten within an inch of His life, all for being a teacher, a prophet, the testimony of love and patience and grace. Passers-by sneer at Him, mock Him, spit at Him, taunt Him, hate Him with a depth undeserved and unbelievable. This man who spent His life healing, loving, caring, calling...broken by the road, a spectacle of intolerance, hatred, injustice, prejudice...

A willing sacrifice for the sake of men, the men who nailed Him there.

Three o'clock, Jesus cries out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" As Jesus takes on the sins of the world, past, present, future, yours and min, God must look away. His Son, who has all the authority of the universe, all the glory of God, is suddenly black with sin, dirty, unholy, impure, the darkest of human hearts is embodied in Christ the Lord. Jesus is not crying out in anguish due to His pain or humilitation or any reason of the flesh. He is crying out because He who has spent His life on earth in the presence and favor of God is suddenly apart from God. Separated from the Source of love, grace, mercy, everything good.

There is an earthquake that shakes the foundation of the world; it is over. Once and for all the blackness of our hearts that created this chasm from the God that loves us despite and in spite of ourselves is filled with a radiant change. As Jesus cloaked Himself in our unrighteousness, our murderous intentions, our dirty deeds, the secret sins behind closed doors, the perverse, the shameful, the guilty...we were cloaked in His righteousness, His right to the throne, His purity, His sacrifice, His patience, His virtue, His favor in God's eyes.

Happy Easter.